Day 2

4am. The bell rings. I wake up sweating. My back is hurting a bit. I will take my shower now, and try to use as little water as I can. I get ready and go to the meditation hall. I will give my best to meditate. But again my mind is very wild. I am curious about the breakfast, will it be better than yesterday ?

6.30 am. No it is not. But this time I am as always very hungry. Full plate. I particularly enjoy the tea. It is sweet and warm. I take 3 teas and go straight to bed.

8 am. Meditation time. Goenka’s voice resounds in the meditation hall and gives us some instructions. Same like yesterday “Focus your attention on the triangle around your nose, observe your breath coming in and going out. Feel the touch of your breath on your upper lips. Let your breath come and go naturally. Work diligently, diligently, diligently ” Fine ! I’ll do it ! After a while, I start to feel a huge pain on by back. It is very painful. The more I focus my attention on it, the more painful it is. Seriously ? Is it because of the bed ? I start massaging my back. I feel very sorry for my neighbors as I keep on moving, trying to get rid of the pain. But it is still here. I cannot concentrate. I am tempted to go out of the hall to lie down on my bed but I decide to stay here to finish the meditation. It is really annoying, I keep on complaining in my head how unlucky I am to feel pain and not to be able to concentrate on anything else. Why am I so weak? I am waiting for the mantra to close this meditation. I am looking forward to hear it. 5 min break.

10.05 am. Back to meditation. My pain hasn’t disappear. I notice that some people got a chair, I am tempted to ask one for me but it is too late. Goenka’s voice starts again. “Be brave and work seriously, seriously, seriously”. But why this pain ?  I feel anger. I try to focus on my breath but soon my anger starts to take all my mind.  Little by little, I feel angry about everything and everybody. Memories and thoughts come into my mind, my old job, people who treated me badly, my family. Arrf focus on your breath Lili. It is really painful for me to sit and I am more and more angry. I want to cry. I don’t understand why I feel so angry actually. I remember Goenka’s teaching of last evening. He said that negative feelings will arise, it is part of the process. Purifying the mind is like cutting a wound to make the pus comes out. It is painful but it is required. The good attitude is to remain still and equanimous. I can’t stop my anger inside me ! It is really time to close this meditation, please Goenka, sing your mantra.

11.30 am. Lunch break. I have no expectation and I am in a bad mood. Rice and brown sticky sauce, no surprise. No problem, I was expecting it. I eat quickly trying not to feel down. I stand up and go wash my dishes and surprise ! There is a small little cute cat waiting outside. I feel my heart melt. I pet him and play with him for a while. It is so nice to cuttle him, I feel joy suddenly. I know I am not supposed to have any interaction with other students, but am I allowed to have interaction with a cat ? I don’t care. It feels good to feel animal love. Another student comes next to me to pet the cat too. Haha I am not the only one who needs some comfort ! I let the little cat enjoy with the other women, it is fair. I move away unwillingly to my room and fall asleep.

1pm. The beel rings. I hate this bell. I still fell pain in my back and it seems to be even worse than this morning. Fortunately I have some tiger balm with me. I take a good amount of it and spread it on my back. I massage quickly the painful area. Back to the meditation hall, I feel my pain more than ever. Behind me, a women starts to cough. I am not able to concentrate because of the pain, but now because of this women who is making noise. She keeps on coughing and now it is the woman sitting next to me. Too much noise around, and this pain is seriously annoying. I am sure my pain is due to this horrible bed. I start to feel very uncomfortable and to feel angry again. Why can’t I just live this experience like everybody else and focus on my breath ? Why people keeps on making so much noise? If you want to cough just go outside and give me some peace!  I turn around to look to the woman who keeps on coughing. I realize she is covering her nose. Suddenly I understand. My sense of smell is so bad that I didn’t realize that the smell of the tiger balm is too strong for others. It is my fault if people are coughing. I feel terribly guilty suddenly. I want to hide. Impossible to meditate again. I feel angry at myself and down. Why do I have to face all of this ?

3pm. 5 min Break. I go directly to my room to wash my back and come back to the next meditation. This time I will meditate and forget about my anger, it is useless. But again only anger comes into my mind for the next 2 hours. I didn’t realize I was such an angry person. I do my best to meditate but time is very slow and my anger is very strong. I can’t help it. Please little cat, I need a hug. I am so bored here, I give up meditating and wait patiently for Goenka to end this nightmare.

5 pm, tea time. This time I won’t miss it ! On my way to the dinning hall, the little cat is here. I feel grateful. I don’t care if I look like a crazy person petting the cat with a depressed face. The tea is particularly good and there is some delicious beans. I am very relieved and I eat 3 cup of beans. I never thought I would love beans so much. I am tempted to put some tiger balm before the next meditation but I change my mind, I don’t want to make other people suffocate again. I will hold on and do it before going to bed tonight.

6 pm, my back is still really painful and I don’t feel very good with all this anger. I prefer to let my mind express itself freely and during the whole meditation I feel bored and sleepy. Time is passing very slowly. How will I be able to finish Vipassana ? It is harder than I thought.

7.30 pm. Time to listen to the teaching. At least my mind is going to be occupied again. While listening to Goenka, I feel better and better. Curiously he starts talking about pain we may feel in our body. Apparently it is normal to feel physical pain during meditation. This is the pus coming out. This is part of the process. It is as if he knows exactly what I am going through. He has the perfect words to give me comfort. Thank you Goenka I really needed it tonight.

No meditation after teaching tonight. Why ? I really don’t care. I just feel grateful. I run to my room and take my shower. I feel exhausted by this painful day. I fall asleep straight away.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s