4pm. The bell rings. I hate this bell. I did a lot of nightmares. I feel tired when I wake up. It is going to be a very long day I feel it. Remind me why did I choose to do that ? Oh yes, it is to feel peace and harmony ! Keep that in mind Lili. I realize I forgot to put Tiger balm yesterday before sleep. What shall I do ? Put some tiger balm now ? I check my back and it seems to be ok.
Inside the meditation hall, I notice empty seats. Some people left. I can understand. I try to find a confortable position and curiously my back is not painful. Maybe it is over ? My mind start to wake up again. I try again to breathe through my nose and to feel the touch of my breath on my lips. I am breathing very loudly but at least, I am able to breathe a bit better now. I will start from where I am and try not to judge me. I will try patiently, patiently, patiently. Goenka sings the end of the morning meditation. I feel very touched by his voice. I can feel how deep his soul is. I am travelling with him through the mantra to another word, not from earth. Am I crazy ? I don’t care. No one knows what is inside my mind, silence is great !
6.30 am. Breakfast is rice. I eat automatically and go directly to bed to sleep. This time I put a lot of tiger balm and let my body relax while I am taken by the tiredness into a very deep sleep.
8am. The bell rings. I need more sleep. I definitely hate this bell. I don’t want to go back. I want to stay in my bed but I stand up quickly. I walks towards the meditation hall like a zombie. The next 2 hours pass really slowly. I listen to Goenka’s instruction but I am not here. This time I feel sadness. Huge sadness coming. I hold my tears. I don’t understand what is going on. I know it is the pus, but is everybody going through hard time like me ? I would love to talk and ask people if they feel the same. I feel like a crazy person. I am still not able to meditate and it is the 3rd day now. I feel like I am waisting my time. When Goenka sings the end mantra, I feel revolted.
10 am. Pain in my back start waking up. Seriously ? My pain is very strong this time. Even stronger than yesterday. I feel really sad for myself. I try to breathe deeply and calm down. This is the only thing I am able to do right now. Time is really slow, I feel really bored and very sad. I feel tears about to drip but I hold them strongly.
11.30 am. Lunch break. I go to eat like a zombie. My little friend is not here. I feel even more down not having his company. I don’t eat a lot, I prefer to keep my appetite for the beans. After lunch I go to my room, massage my back a lot and try to sleep. This time I am not able to fall asleep even if I am exhausted. I feel very warm. I turn in my bed again and again, fighting again the pain in my back. The bell rings. I go towards the meditation hall like a zombie again. I know I won’t be able to meditate. My heart is very heavy.
1pm. My back is burning. My head is burning. My eyes are wet with tears. This time I don’t care. I let my tears drip on my face. Who cares ? Time is very slow, pain is very intense, tears are unstoppable.
3 pm. Next meditation. I listen to Goenka as a little child. “Remain equanimous, emotions are temporary, nothing last. You are not your emotions. Don’t react to your thoughts or your emotions. Let them come and go as your breath”. Thank you Goenka but it has been 3 days now that my pain is not disappearing. Are you sure it is working? I really try to remain still and calm towards pain and feelings but it is overwhelming. I can’t help it. I need to cry so I let myself cry like a little baby.
5 pm. Tea time. I will have some comfort with beans, I am really hungry. My little friend is still not here. I am dissappointed. I enter the dining hall, take my tea and surprise, what do I see? Next to the beans, there is an instruction. “Only one per person”. Am I punished? I feel revolted. I am tempted to take 2 and break the rule, I really need those beans seriously. I take my cup of bean and eat it very slowly. I look like a crazy person watching out people taking their cup of beans with jalousy. I am the last one to leave the dinning hall wishing there will be one cup left. But no more beans. I feel more depressed than ever. It feels like someone is making fun of me. I go towards my room like a zombie holding my heavy heart painfully and repeating myself the reasons why I came here. I am here to reach peace and harmony and I will do my best for it.
6pm. I feel exhausted. I have a headache. I drink a lot of water and go to the meditation hall mechanically. Some women smile at me. Do they fell what I am going through or is my face funny ? The though of quitting Vipassana cross my mind. Why am I still here if I am not able to meditate AND I still have a huge back pain. Is it worth it to stay?
7.30 pm. I sit down to listen to Goenka’s teaching. Again I am stunned by what he says. It is almost as if he heard my thoughts and my despair. He exactly uses the words I needed. He calms me down so well that it feels unreal. How does he know ? He gives me so much comfort that I forget about quitting Vipassana. If I am not able to meditate, at least I will stay just for the teachings. They are the best teachings I ever had. I will stay.
9.30 pm, I am in my bed, full of tiger balm, refreshed by the shower and I fall asleep directly quickly.
2 am. I am waken up by a strange nightmare and a huge pain in my back. It is horrible. I keep on turning in my bed. I feel again anger coming. I know I feel tired by the pain prevents me from going back to sleep. I put some tiger balm and massage my back. Eventually I fall asleep around 3.30am.