Day 4

4 am. The bell rings. I wake up with anger. I had a horrible night. I am scared to face this days. I already want to cry. I remember the teaching of last night while I take a good shower. I feel a bit better and go towards the meditation hall.

4.30 am. Inside the mediation hall, I notice more empty seats. Will I be the next one to leave? The meditation starts and I feel heavy. I feel my back pain straight away.  I give my best to breathe through my nose and feel the sensations around it. I am able to feel some sensations on my upper lips clearly but my mind is disturbed by my back pain all the time. I feel a huge sad when Goenka sings his mantra.

6.30 am. Breakfast time. My little friend is still not here. I am expecting to have rice for breakfast. But the breakfast seems to be different today. OMG ! Fruits !!  I really needed something like this. No inscription for restriction ! Youhou. I take 2 full plates of fruits and there is still more when I leave the room. This is Christmas ! Funny to be so happy with fruits. I start to understand what is enjoying little things. I wish I could do it in my daily life as a good habit, why do we need to suffer to enjoy little things ? I want to remember this moment when I will leave this place. It feels good to feel joy seriously.

8 am. Meditation time. Pain is still here but this time I am decided to ignore it. I am full of good will. Pain is still here but at least I am able to breathe more naturally through my nose. I do my best to ignore my pain even if it is burning and manage to meditate a bit.

10 am. Next meditation. My pain is even worse. I am still obsessed with my pain but I feel also very tired of it. Now the fight is not to fall asleep. It is too much for me. I am exhausted.

11.30 am. Rice time. I eat as quick as possible to go back to my room and sleep.

1pm. Time to wake up. I had crazy dreams. Seems like I had a complete night even if it was just an hour. In the meditation hall, I try to find a confortable position but my back pain is driving me crazy.  Why do I have to support this pain? I feel really unlucky. It will never disappear. Maybe emotions are temporary Goenka but my pain is real and it is worse days after days. This time I feel a HUGE anger taking me. I want to scream, I want to stand up and make noise,  I want to scream my despair. Heavy tears come out of my eyes. I think about the water penury. I wish to have a tear penury. I am not able to do anything else than crying. I feel very tired and depressed.

3pm. This days is very long, and I don’t want to meditate. I just want to cry. It is a nightmare. I listen to Goenka’s instructions. “Remain equanimous. Work diligently, diligently, diligently”. Yes man, that is what I am trying to do ! But it seems not working for me. I feel exhausted by my feelings. Time passes very slowly. I cannot keep on waisting my time not being able to focus my attention on my breath. I am waisting my time. I am waisting my time here. I will come back when I will fix this back pain. Doubt enters my mind. I don’t want it to enter but I can’t help it. I am not really able to meditate and my pain is horrible. Shall I really continue ?

5 pm. Tea time. My little friend is still not here. I start to be anxious. Is he ok ? Maybe he is dead? Maybe he is starving somewhere. I hope he is ok, it has been 2 days now. This time no inscription for the beans. I am the last one to leave the dinning hall to finish all the beans left. I fill myself with beans and tea and I feel a little bit better.

6pm. Meditation time. I am still depressed. I accept it and I won’t judge me. I will just be patient and wait for the evening teaching. I manage to alternate between anger, sadness, deep breathing and tiredness and fortunately, time passes quickly.

7.30 pm. I feel very tired but I am happy to listen to the teaching, the only thing that I truly appreciate here. It fills me for real. This evening teaching is different. Goenka congratulates us for being still here. “The 4th day is over. These first four days were an introduction. Now we are going to start the real work. Now you are used to work with breath, now you are used to this tool, I am going to teach you Vipassana technic tomorrow.” I feel very confused. How will I catch my backwardness ?

9.30 pm. I am in my bed, not able to fall asleep. I am full of tiger balm and full of doubts too.

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