Day 5

4 am. I wake up and start to think straight away. Almost half of this experience. It seems to be a whole life. I had again many intense dreams and I am able to remember them. Lots of anger and anxiety are still inside me.

4.30 am. I am in the meditation hall. Pain is still here. I got used to it and as always, I will do my best to ignore it. I feel tired to fight it. I am not here to fight, I am here to feel peace and harmony, what a joke ! I try to meditate but one hour later, I am still thinking. I have a thoughts factory in my head. For the first time I decide not to finish the meditation. I stand up and leave the meditation hall. It is 5 am. I find a bank under a tree and decide to continue the meditation here, next to the dining hall, waiting for breakfast. It is dark and fresh, maybe 35 degrees. But I still enjoy this cooler atmosphere. Sun arises slowly. What a beauty. I am not meditating anymore. I am touched by the beauty of the moment. I see the sun coming out of the mountains and the light of the sun taking over the darkness. It is beautiful. I hear from far Goenka sings his mantra. I am the first one to enter the dining hall. Very quietly, I drink my tea and eat my rice. I don’t want to think anymore, I just want to be brave and be patient.

8 am. Goenka stars to explain Vipassana technics. “Focus your attention to sensation on the top of your head and slowly scan your entire body. Bring your attention to your neck, then to your right shoulder, go along your arm until your hand. Come back to your left shoulder and do the same. Then feel the sensation of your back…” I am not listening. I am still at level one : not reacting to pain and feeling my breath on my upper lips. I listen half of the instructions. I don’t feel concerned. I start to breathe through my nose. Now the nose breathing seems to be natural. My back pain is still here. Like yesterday, I feel my anger arises, my doubts and my sadness but I decide to let them be. I feel curiously stronger. Little by little I feel my backpain getting bigger and bigger, as my anger. But this time something is different. I accept it and observe it. I feel the tightness of my back, the pulse of the pain, how it spread into my whole back, how it reaches my brain. I am observing it. I let anger and my pain express themselves freely and I don’t judge myself anymore. When it reaches the highest point of pain, I am about to explode but I keep control and manage to keep observing, not reacting.  I am switching between willingness to scream and to cry and calm observation when the pain suddenly stops. All of the sudden I don’t feel anything anymore in my back. I am surprised but I remain calm. I am expecting it to come back. I keep on observing my back. Where did the pain go? Is it possible ?

10 am. Next meditation. I still don’t feel pain in my back. How is it possible seriously ? I have space now to focus on my breath and I am able to feel the touch of my breath on my upper lips very clearly.  But other thoughts disturb my work all the time. What will be my future? Where will I go after Vipassana ? Is it possible that a pain disappears like that ? Time is again very slow. I feel bored, but at least I feel quieter than yesterday. Maybe the pain disappeared but the amount of thought has increased. How lucky I am ! I react straight away : I won’t complain. I am still puzzled by the disappearance of my back pain.

11.30 am. Lunch time. Look who is here, my dear friend ! I feel relieved to see that the little cat is alive. Where were you ? I needed you ! I am really glad to see you again cute little thing. I pet him a while and go to eat my rice.

1 pm. Walking towards the meditation hall, I notice a girl hugging a tree, eyes closed with a smile. I am not the only one to be crazy here apparently ! Back into the meditation hall, I am ready to meditate. But again, many thoughts come into my mind. This time I am dreaming about chocolate cake. I can feel it in my mouth, its sensation, its effects inside my throat, I can’t stop seing images of chocolate everywhere in my head. It is very hard for me to concentrate on my breath. Many emotions now. Hope, sadness, anxiety, what a mess ! I am full of thoughts, past and futur mix together. I cannot stop thinking. Pain was hiding all of this and now I have to face all these thoughts and be honest to myself. I am bored with my own thoughts. All the same. Complaints, fear, hope, projections and despair. I am glad nobody can  hear what is going on in my head. I feel a bit ashamed when the bell rings.

3 pm. Goenka starts again the Vipassana instructions. I am not here yet man ! Give me some more time. I feel already happy to breathe normally and longer now but I feel really bored. Thoughts factory prospers inside me but I give my best to come back to my breath again and again. I also try not to fall asleep, it is particularly warm today. 43 degrees at least. I am tempted to go out but I prefer to change my seated position and finish this session. Finally Goenka starts singing his mantra. Ouf, I was really waiting for it more than chocolate cake. I like this mantra. I feel like singing it too !

5pm. Usual tea and beans time. Always a pleasure. Little friend is not here, I go straight to bed to have a rest.

6pm. Evening meditation. I am wondering if I can make it till the end. It seems to be a year I am here. The heat, the faces, the habits, the meditation hall. No more surprise. And I am still not able to meditate properly nor start Vipassana technic like everybody. Already before entering the meditation hall, I realize I am lost in my thoughts. This mediation is going to be hard. 1 hour and a half later, I was right. A feeling of shame and sadness enters my heart, I feel down. But I know tonight ’s teaching will be my best help to hold on.

9.30 pm. I go to bed with hope. I will manage to finish this Vipassana. I did half of it. I will finish it. I collapse in my bed. I don’t bother to close the mosquito net nor to take a shower. I am way to exhausted for that. Tomorrow will be another day.

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