4 am. Only 4 days left, I feel good and I slept very well.
4.30 am. Morning meditation. I am full of good will but this time, I can’t hold in place. Not because I am bored, but on the contrary, because I am too excited. I have a lot of energy. I remember the teaching of last night and I can’t wait to change my life and to change the world ! Many dreams and hopes succeed in my mind. I need to change my sitting position many times. I would like to go out and walk a bit but I don’t want to waste the precious time left. I start to get obsessed by the idea of seing the sunrise again. I decide to leave the meditation hall, it will be that last time. I promisse. I sit under a tree and meditate. But I am still not able to concentrate. I start waling around, and breathing deeply to calm down. I don’t know what is going on inside me. but must be something intense. At least it is a positive feeling. A feeling of action. I got stocked into passivity the last few years and it is good to feel this kind of energy. I want to be active after Vipassana. Something changed deep inside, I know it. I am not able to put it in words or thought yet, I just feel it. I sit down on a bank and try to meditate again. It is very hard to concentrate and I can’t wait for the sun to arise. When the sun comes out of the mountain, I am stunned. Such a beauty. It is even more beautiful than the last time. This moment is is so pure, the shapes of the mountain becomes more present, the sound of the nature waking up please me, and sky slowly passes from darkness to light very gently. It touches my heart for real. Thank you nature for being so beautiful. I love you nature. I surprise myself. Why am I so excited about life suddenly? I appreciate this last sun rise and promises myself to stay in the hall for the next meditation, it is way too distracting to be outside.
6.30 am. Fruits again ! I want to dance in the dining hall. I hold myself with difficulty. The little cat is also here. I smile while petting him. He is so cute, his little eyes are curious. I wish I can speak cat to share my joy with him but I have the feeling he understands. What is going on ? Is it celebration day ? Thank you God, thank you Goenka, thank you Vipassana, thank you Tiru, thank you thank you thank you.
8am. Back inside the hall, I am more motivated than never. This time I will hold my position and I will succeed. I cross my leg and start breathing. Whenever I am about to move I breathe deeper and call my inner strength. I know I can do it and I will do it. I can feel sensation of pain in my knee but the worse pain is on my sitting bones. As if a fist was pushing on my coccyx. The pain is unbearable and I am tempted to move but I remain immobile. I don’t give a shit I will finish this fucking meditation. I am surprised to be so rude but it helps me hold on. I want to scream out my pain. How long will it be ? This is a real torture, the small little move generate an unbearable pain all in my buttock. I enjoy the challenge. I will do it, I will do it. When finally Goenka starts to sing the mantra, I want to cry from joy. Only 5 more minute and I will be free from pain, I can’t believe I did it. 5 min seems to be an hour now. I don’t want to break all my efforts by moving before the end, I hold on but it is very very very hard. When the mantra stops, I move very slowly on the side. I massage my buttock quickly, I feel exhausted, but not tired. On the contrary, I am full of an intense and deep joy. I feel deeply proud of me. Even if I know it was not a real mediation, I managed to fix myself a goal and reach it. That gave me assurance I can do everything I want, I can overcome pain. I did it.
10 am. Next meditation. I am not sure I can do it again but I will do my best. This time I feel like following Goenka’s instructions and start the body scan with Vipassana technic. I choose a confortable position and start to feel the sensation on the top of my head. I don’t really feel anything. The more I concentrate, the less I am able to feel. But at least I stay immobile. Pain comes in my knee, I am tempted to move. I focus again on my body and try to feel all the part of my body, the touch of my t-shirt on my stomach, my tights, my knees, my feet under my thighs, the pillow under my buttock, and back to my head again. I have to change my position. I won’t be able to hold the entire meditation and I prefer to focus on the body scan this time. At the end of the meditation, I am surprised I managed to focus mainly on my body and my breath. It is a good day today. I didn’t even felt bored the whole morning. Outside the meditation hall, I start walking a bit when I see a wonderful white bird right in front of me. I am fascinated by its beauty. I remain immobile. I want him to stay as long as possible with me. I feel honored to be so close to him. Suddenly he flies away. My eyes follow his flight in the air until he disappears. It tastes like pure freedom. Nature is powerful. I feel full. What a day !
11.30 am. Usual Rice time. I try not to complain mentally, but it is quite hard for me to enjoy lunch time, especially because it has been 6 days now that I am not able to go to the bathroom… because of too much rice.
1 pm. Usual after lunch meditation. But this time I am looking forward facing a new challenge. I want to remain immobile again focusing only on my breath for the whole meditation, and if I succeed, I will be very proud of me. I find a confortable position on my sitting bones, sit straight and start breathing through my nose. I am surprised how easily I am able to breathe through my nose now. It is not a problem anymore and I realize how much everything is just habits. I enjoy the feeling of air inside my lungs, I feel free and relieved. Pain comes back in my knees and my sitting bones quite quickly but I will hold on my challenge, and not move at all. I want to work on my motivation. And time passes slowly again, I try to focus my attention on my breath by most of my attention is taken to fight against pain. I am not able to let it go. I know this is better to change position and meditate on my breath instead of fighting against my pain, but I really want to do this challenge. I won’t move and I want to prove myself I can do it. The more difficult it is, the stronger the pain enters my mind and drives me crazy. I am about to move when I start breathing deeply and give my best to observe my pain without reacting to it. I know I am definitively not following Goenka’s advice, and I might be multiplying my misery, but my intuition tells me to hold on. Something is happening deep inside me with this challenge. I start to believe in me very strongly. As if huge pain and anger were waking up my sleeping soul by shaking it firmly. I feel connected to a bigger Me. I feel safe relying on my capacity to be stronger than unpleasant sensations. And when Goenka starts singing the end mantra, my heart is about to explode. I knew I will do it. I am full of gratefulness… towards myself. I know I can do whatever I want and a huge anxiety of the futur flies away. I know I will be fine. I can rely on myself. I needed this. I came for this kind of feelings and it is even stronger than I could imagine. I really feel grateful. Even if I know it is just holding a position and life is way more challenging, I got in touch with my hidden strength and that gave me a lot of peace.
3 pm. Next meditation, I will be less demanding this time. I will focus on Vipassana technic and do my best. I start to follow Goenka’s instruction and feel the sensations from bottom to top, top to bottom. I am able to feel some parts of my body, but I find it difficult to follow the flow continuously as Goenka described. My attention is discontinuous. I focus on my neck, then I realize my attention is on my arm, then on my back. My mind is often interrupted by thoughts that breack the body scan and take me away quickly. I know I still have a lot to work on but I have faith in myself now. I do my best to meditate and when the meditation ends, I stand up very peacefully to go to the dinning hall. A new kind of energy surrounds me. I feel trustful and peaceful.
5pm. I drink my tea slowly and enjoy every bean of my cup. When I am done, I wash my dishes calmly and go towards my room to have a short rest. I knock down on my bed, and fall deeply asleep. When the bell rings, I am in the middle of a dream. As soon as I open my eye, I forget my dream. I wish I can remember my dreams. I have the feeling it was an intense one.
6pm. Walking towards the meditation hall, I start thinking. Almost the end of the day. Almost 7 days gone.I can’ believe it. I know I don’t have much time left to meditate seriously but I really don’t feel like doing this one. I feel exhausted by this day, and I achieved a lot today. In front of the meditation hall, I feel a different energy in the air. I start looking around. Some women are laying down on banks, some are hugging trees, some are contemplating nature. I also feel strangely peaceful and quiet. I enter the meditation hall, and sit down. I hope this meditation will pass quickly. It was a lot of emotions today and emotions are tiring. I appreciate this calm deep inside me as if I had run for 3 hours. I decide to focus on my breath and the feeling on my upper lips, seems easy to do now. When the bell rings, I am not meditating, but flying somewhere in my mind. I feel really strange. I need some fresh air. Outside the hall, I can’t resist the envy to hugg a tree too. I don’t care anymore of the aunt or the others. I place my arms around the trunk, I close my eyes and feel the tree. I am surprised. The tree feels really strong and powerful, I really feel secured. I just want to stay like this for ever. It feels really good, I have to admit. I promise not to judge anyone anymore after hugging this tree. Another bell wake me up. It is time for the evening teaching now. I feel deeply grateful to be here.
7.30. What a pleasure to see you Goenka tonight again. You always have the good words for me. You help me connect to my child dreams, you allow me to believe in a better version of me. You make me realize how powerful I can be. And you make me laugh and cry during this teaching. What a beautiful moment.
9pm. Last meditation is a preparation for sleep. I am almost sleeping when the bell rings. I can’t wait to be in my bed. End of the day !
I am really exhausted. The shower is fast and I start preparing my bed when suddenly a scream escapes from my throat. A huge spider is here, on my bed, black and HUGE. It is there on my pillow. A strong shiver shakes my body. This must be the shivering sensations Goenka was talking about during the Vipassana instruction. Now I am able to feel it very strongly !!! How funny it is! I am in shock, I can’t move. My roommate runs towards me. I show her the big spider. She makes me a sign saying that she has everything under control, she grasp a glass and comes back to my bed. But the spider is not here anymore. We start looking around the bed, everywhere. Oh no, here inside my bed, we find a dead body of another spider. Another shiver spreads all along my back again. I must have killed it during my sleep by moving, I can’t believe it. I am shocked. Still no spider, we have to find it. Here it is, under my bed, there are 2 of them OMG ! My roommate manage to put the spider inside the glass, take a piece of paper and slip it under the glass to move the spider outside. One is out. As if she did it all her life, she repeats the procedure to move out the second one. They are gone. She smiles at me, I smile at her hardly. She goes back into her bed. Here am I. Facing my bed, with fear. I remember my words yesterday « Try not to think about it » This is the most useless words ever pronounced in this silent retreat. Life is really funny. I am teared up between the envy of laughing and crying, I am in shock. I start to prepare my bed and this time I close the mosquito net very very meticulously. I am not tired anymore, I feel a lot of sensations inside my body that keep me awake. Impossible to sleep. The extraordinary advice still resounds in my head « Try not to think about it ». I really try not to think about it, even to focus on my breath, I try it really hard, but I turn and turn and turn in my bed many times. Few hours later, I manage to fall asleep but the night is agitated.